another ickee day

It really is. It's raining outside and the gloom has managed to find its way inside my room. I don't know if these are effects of the diet pills I'm drinking or just really, a constant emptiness that nags at me every so often. When will the void go away? Sometimes, it is temporarily filled by a vacation, a moment of insight and always immense gratefulness then I go back to my life. The same life, the same room, the same everything, the same gloom. It's not gonna stop until you wise up, cried the Magnolia-mantrad youths of my generation but what is it exactly? Is it the fact I'm still living at home? Or that I have never been in any relationship or that my job is going nowhere contrary to the belief of others, or that I seesaw between fat to chubby to slightly attractive every so often? What is it? Does wising up mean stopping my expenses so life will become financially easier for everyone? Is it all about material gain? Does it mean humbling myself and spending more time in church? I believe and I love God but it does not come naturally as it does other people but I am working on it and my faith has never wavered. It may have been tainted by laziness and weakness of human being but it has remained in faith all this time. If this be the case, why am i still miserable? God will deliver me if I work equally hard and humble myself. I know what to do and how to do it, I've tried and yet, why do I still fail? I am still the same bratty, insensitive person grown bitter from lack of love. And yet I have never lacked love. At least from those who matter. My parents gave me all they could to a fault and now we are poor. My friends endured my selfishness and those who matter have remained loyal. And yet, I snap at them for not doing my will and I still cannot stand to see my unshaven dad eating breakfast looking like a loser. My pride longs for the time when he used to stand an executive, so proud and glorious. I still can't bear to see my mom waste her life away in bed, happy interacting with people on television who do not know her. And yet, I lived more than half my life in the same fantasy in order to accept who I was and be happy with myself. How can I have so much depth and yet be incredibly shallow? Yesterday a few minutes after I said a prayer to God in the car about humility, I lost my cool when I felt a guard was looking down upon me. He was just doing his job. I am terribel. I cannot bear that I am shallow and bothered by all these things and yet, I can't outgrow my selfishness and superficiality. The mind knows but the soul is weak. The heart, at the end of the day is not good and that is why I suffer. I am the worst kind of person. I want to be happy, I hate to be miserable and I hate people who dwell in their misery so I pretend to be the complete opposite of what I really am. I am arrogant, unhappy and most unkind. This is why life always plays a cruel joke on me, dabbling the possibilities but never going all the way. Until I learn how to humble myself and be a genuine kind person, I do not deserve any of life's blessing. This much I know. So in my gloom I shall stay, alone, miserable and pretending to be content. But I will not give up, there is hope for me yet. One day, I will be a good person.